Theodora

Study? Play? or??? I am really bored

2006-11-22T04:12:00.000-08:00

Really feel so bored in this two days, study study and study...

Out of sudden, I just feel so empty and so stressed up..

Feeling hungry but I don't know what to eat, Hungry but no appetite, weird right?

Sometimes I asked myself, how to be conscious of Jesus even though I know He is with me... but I simply can't feel it....

Later then I realised that what I need is actually the spiritual food, so I decided to play the sermon in my iPod and soon fell asleep...

I guess I need to listen and listen until it gets into my heart.

This few days have been busy with preparing for exams and couldn't even be bothered to listen to sermons at all.

Ever since the day of my uncle's departure till now, I haven't been listening to the messages.. that's why....

This Saturday got Hillsong Concert in church.. However, I did feel of not going but since they have gotten me the ticket then I need to go.. But of course, I shouldn't go with this kind of attitude, go and expect something good and be refreshed!

After the concert this Saturday, I won't be seeing them already as I have told *** that I won't be joining them anymore.

It's not that I am petty but I just feel that since they don't believe me, it only makes me feel uncomfortable when I see them . I tried telling myself that so what if they don't believe me, does it matter?

Yes, I could say that to myself but can I really let go? I think i still need time...cos if I still go, I would think of it again and I don't feel good to see people who don't believe in me....

But I know my Heavenly Daddy believes me, He sees me like He sees Jesus... I'm the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus...Amen! Amen!!!

Under Maintenance!

2006-11-19T03:40:00.000-08:00

My blog is not officially ready....still designing...

A day of disappointment!

2006-11-19T02:54:00.000-08:00

Today went for 1st service..Pastor Lian preached..other pastors are away in Israel... The message was something about JOY.. I didn't really listen as I felt asleep during service not long after pastor started to preached..

Really tired as I dont know enough sleep this few days..

After that, went to "Kopitiam", saw the people were there, so went to sit with them, talk to ***** H**.....
he seemed to be unbelieving, I felt very insulted.. If I know, I rather not to mention anything to him.. want me to show him the details..blah blah blah....etc...

I asked myself, why did I go and tell him, if I don't share, then he would said I am not opened, shared then not believe in me...haiz...whatever it is, I am not gonna share anything anymore, I rather keep it to myself than get this kind of nonsense...

I was really tired just now, so once got home, changed, washed up and lie down on my bed and slowly fell asleep.... but before that, I was still not feeling good, really felt insulted, so decided to take up my phone and sms him about how I feel...I don't know if I was emotional or not, but I know if I don't say it out, I would get more and more agitated etc...

For me, if u want me to say, then believe, if not then dont ask.. I know this is not the right attitude...but...............who can understand me? ...:(
I know i am not good in words nor do i know how to express well...

But at the same, I tried to think in a more positive way, look things from different angle..they are there to love me, help me.. BUT.. I just feel so INSULTED....

Another thing is, I hope to meet CG people before I leave, so took up my phone, calling them instead of SMS, cos I want quick reply from them...But guess what, some of them cant make it, some of them just not sure if they got project etc etc... even Amy also cant meet me, reason she gotta go back to her office to clear up her stuff as she needs to go China for business trip...Blame it on myself for asking in the wrong time.....

I am just so disappointed then when I asked, there is always no people can make it... and sometimes when I know that some CG people meet for lunch or dinner, i somehow feel leftout or neglected as they never ask me along.... I was thinking to myself, am I belong to this CG????

Feeling so "malu" over what had happened to me on CG last friday....it's like everybody knows...anyway, thanks to those who asked.....

I am be short-tempered but I am not petty, I get agitated easily, but once I have vented out my anger, I will not remember it anymore..waste time, waste energy and feeling bad towards those people whom I vent my anger on... Haiz, no point get agitated over such things...rather do something meaningful instead....